Do I contradict myself? Our Many Dimensions.
Posted: Friday, January 06, 2012
by Dawn Novotny
Dawn Novotny LCSW
Do I contradict myself?Very well then I contradict myself, (I am large, I contain multitudes.)Walt WhitmanA therapist by profession, I am an unrepentant seeker by hobby and vocation. I long to understand myself, others, and life’s mysteries.
Like all human beings I have many dimensions: the driven part, the adapter part, the inept part, the addict part, the Marilyn Monroe part, and the wounded child within. A part of me still carries shame and can slip right into a childlike state of shyness and embarrassment—sometimes at the most inopportune moments. Until one is aware of and connected to these sub-personalities, we are all subject to feel the way Marilyn felt, exquisitely expressed in the following statement,
“My work is the only ground I've ever had
to stand on. I seem to have a whole superstructure
with no foundation -- but I'm working on the
foundation.” Marilyn.
I would argue that Marilyn had a vast foundation but had not fully explored most of those roles/parts/faces of herself before tragically dying at age 36. As widely reported, after finding out that she could never have children Marilyn said to her friend, “Nobody’s ever gonna marry me now, Lena. What good am I? I can’t cook, I’ve been married three times. Who would want me?”
Lena responded, “Millions of men.”
“Yeah, but who would love me? Who?”
From this conversation, it is clear that Marilyn felt that she was not worthy of true love unless she was dutifully performing the roles of the traditional 50’s woman.
Some of us, like me and Marilyn, grew up with enormous challenges and abuses. While others, grew up in basically happy, secure environments. Still others grew up in silent homes, learning little about communication skills or how to connect in intimate relationships. Problems with self-esteem and relationships are then played out in our attitudes and behaviors toward ourselves and others. The HOW of how we arrived at WHO we are and WHAT we do with what we have become, is ultimately up to us to accept, change or stop complaining about.
What types of roles might we become indoctrinated into before we ever had the chance to consent or decline? For example, what if you are only four years old and have a profoundly depressed parent? You might grow up to become overly responsible without giving any thought as to whether or not you actually enjoy being in charge. On the opposite extreme, you may find yourself isolating from relationships to avoid the position of responsibility or care-giving. Either way, it helps to learn why we do what we do. Otherwise we simply label our behaviors as controlling or co-dependent, leading to disappointment, even self-incrimination.
And yet, we are each totally responsible for our own behaviors. Boy, talk about being between a rock and a hard place!
It makes little difference how or why we are burdened with inner conflicts--beliefs, old wounds, defenses, and assigned roles. These might be manifested as care-taking, control, perfectionism, or acting-out behaviors such as binge-eating, alcohol abuse or disinterest in others. Regardless of how we arrived at these aspects of ourselves, they are now solely ours to deal with one way or another. These parts or aspects of ourselves often run our lives without our explicit permission. Have you ever felt like you did not trust your own judgment or instincts, ignoring red flags and instead becoming frozen or anxious but could not stop thinking or behaving this way in spite of yourself? Ugh! Me too!
So why would I even care about self-understanding? Why is this important? It is important for me to have some level of conscious awareness if I want to ever have a choice in my behaviors. I need to have a working knowledge of my patterns so that I have my parts versus my parts having me (controlling me unconsciously).
Do you notice any parts that have you? Do you sometimes feel as if your thoughts, beliefs or actions have unwittingly hijacked your life? If so, just remember, you are not helpless to do something about it. And you are not alone.
"The more we allow ourselves to unfold, the less likely we are to unravel." Rabbi Irwin Kula
Picture by GettyImages.
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Top-level comments on this article: (1 total)Hi Dawn
This is the first time I have met someone who looks so much like me perhaps with parts that I am missing, or have yet to develop. Reading this was like reading a text in my own mind. Thanks so much. Always EllaOh Ella, what a delightful response. I like the idea of being "related" in similar parts. LOL
My parts are quite a handful for me at time so writing about them helps me to get to know myself better.
Kind regards, dawn
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