Silence may be #1 Killer in Relationships
Posted: Wednesday, January 04, 2012
by Dawn Novotny
Dawn Novotny LCSW
In my soon to be published memoir, Ragdoll Redeemed:Growing up in the Shadow of Marilyn Monroe, I talk about how protracted silences affected me during my teenage marriage to Marilyn Monroe's step-son, Joe DiMaggio Jr.Joey withdrew into silence without notice and sometimes without apparent reason. These silences could last as long as twenty-four hours. So grateful was I when he began speaking to me again that I happily went along with pretending nothing out of the ordinary or hurtful had happened. Never realizing how my silent complicity was contributing to the eventual downfall of my marriage.
Stonewalling:
Withdrawing from the relationship as a way to avoid conflict. Partners may think they are trying to be “neutral” but stonewalling conveys disapproval, icy distance, separation, disconnection, and/or smugness.
- Stony silence
- Monosyllabic mutterings
- Changing the subject
Most people think of passive/aggressive behaviors on a continuum with indecisiveness and complicity at one end and aggressive behavior, like rage or dominance at the other end. In actuality, silence itself is aggressive. Silence is aggressive because of the total control it exerts over your partner.
For example, after waving goodbye to the few people that attended our wedding, the moment we got into the car to begin our weekend honeymoon, my new husband suddenly became a stone refusing to talk with me.
He did not speak a single word until the next morning. My thwarted attempts at communication, met only by silence and ice cold distance, escalated my panic by
the minute. I frantically searched my memory for hours trying to figure out what I had done to cause him to withdraw. This is a common response for the
partner that has to endure the silence all the while struggling to determine what they did to cause the silence.
As has been reported in various publications written about the Monroe-DiMaggio relationship, but unknown to me for many years, were Joe DiMaggio's extended
silences. Apparently, during their marriage, Joltin' Joe would go for weeks without speaking a single word to Marilyn.
Oh, in case you were wondering about our wedding night. When we got to our hotel Joey went straight to bed. Sitting alone on the balcony, overlooking the colorful sights and sounds of Sunset Boulevard, sipping my celebratory pint of vodka, I wept. I am certain my young husband was just as miserable alone in bed struggling with whatever demons he was dealing with.
As time and relationships went by, I felt self-righteously justified in my withdrawal behaviors after or during an argument. It took me years (and a lot of therapy) to understand how mean my behaviors were. How punishing and distancing it felt to my partner. In effect, I was teaching my partner how NOT to be honest with me because I was too sensitive or fragile to deal with words and/or the reality of their dissatisfaction. Then I would bemoan the lack of intimacy in our relationship.
I finally had to ask myself which was more important the discomfort (Ok, terror) of facing into honest confrontation or the lonely, disillusioned, resentful feelings I was holding leading to the inevitable demise of my relationships.
I had to learn to speak up no matter what if I wanted to contribute to the intimacy in my relationship.
Photo by: Thinkstockphoto
Dawn DeLisa Novotny MSW, LCSW, MTS, CDP, CP, Is a clinician, teacher, author, spiritual director and national workshop leader. She is in private practice in Sequim, WA. Since 1987. Http://www.thefaceswelive.com
This Article has been viewed 326 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
Top-level comments on this article: (2 total)Thank you so much Dawn- I'm so grateful to be in a position to receive the benefits of your experiences and wisdom. Having been a voracious reader most of my life, I've read many books about Marilyn- I call her by her first name because I feel I almost know her. I think that if she lived now that she would have a much better chance of developing her full potential as a human being woman. I feel that we've made great strides toward self-development thinking since the counterfeit 1950's.
Thank you for writing this- It's a pleasure to meet you. Always EllaThank you Ella for visiting my new site and commenting. I totally agree with your views on Marilyn. Best, dawn
One important point you touched Dawn, thanks for the lesson. And Welcome to WryteStuff.Hi HyunSoung,
Thank you for visiting and thank you for the welcome. I love WyteSuff already and am looking forward to knowing the writers.
Be well, dawnNo problem Dawn! I am sure you got in touch with many of us, these bonds are what keeps us going in here!Hi again HyunSoung,
Wish I knew how to send you a big smiley face. Also, I would follow you on twitter but haven't quite got the hang of that yet either. I have a long way to go in this social media stuff.
Thanks, dawnOh Dawn, i thought you were pretty good in these social media stuff, i mean you found this place haha ^^, i appreciate your intention, i use twitter to post the articles posted on my blog that were reposted from wrytestuff, so that is pretty much it, and i haven't told you this, glad you joined Self Improvement group! We move at the top speed, but i am sure you already put your seat-belt on.
See you aroundSooooooooo cute. LOL, dawn
We want your comments! If you can read this, you don't have javascript enabled, so you can't use this comment system. Please enable javascript.